Saturday, August 9, 2008

Will Power? Never Met Him, But He Sounds Like A Real A-hole

I am not at all ashamed of the fact that I gained 50 lbs while pregnant. For two reasons:

1. I am almost 6 feet tall
2. Jenny McCarthy gained 60

Although the idea of it -- practicality-wise -- frightened me, I was secretly hoping the baby would weigh 40 lbs. I'm going to give myself 10 lbs for boob weight. I'm sure that's how much they weigh, approximately.

Happily, she was 8 lbs and I lost the first 30 lbs pretty rapidly after she was born. Hooray for breast feeding!

But now that she is born, I want to take pictures of us together! Mother and daughter! Blue eyes! Pale skin! Lovey faces! I mean, is there anything better? Well, maybe, but c'mon -- mother/daughter pictures. Baby! Mom! Heaven.

But no. Baby = heaven. Mom = OMFG is that even human?

My pumpkin head is enormous (thank you, jowls) and my skin is awful (stupid me for not stocking up on my super-duper-expensive, but oh-so-worth-it daily face peels when we were DINKs!) and my hair is orange ... (well, not really anymore, but I can't upload pics onto the stupid desktop so THAT update has to wait until Geoff brings back the beloved laptop).

So I look ridiculous in pictures. And, really, I want pictures of me and Phoebe for not just me, but for her, too! I didn't get the benefit of being a "young mom" as discussed in detail previously. I am part of the the generation of "No, this is my daughter not my granddaughter".

I have to act NOW if I want "cute" pictures of myself with my adoreably perfect child. Which means the pictures of us together are even MORE important than they would be if I were 23 and my thighs were about 10" smaller around than they are now. Approximately.

I'm going to come right out and say it: After I had Phoebe, I was 185. Yep. I am 5'10" tall and weighed 185 (when I gave birth I was 215 -- a number about which my 6'4" brother reacted by saying "I've never even weighed that much." There aren't enough curse word euphemisms to properly illustrate how I felt when he said this). Now, the highest I'd ever weighed in my life (pre-baby, obviously) was 165. How much did I weigh when I got pregnant? Oh that'd be 165, of course.

Thank you, all-you-can-eat-awesome-Hawaiian-breakfast-buffets.

So now I'm trying to lose the weight before Phoebe is able to vote, but because of breastfeeding I can't just starve myself into oblivion like I have in the past. Hey -- low carb (aka living on almonds and salad) really works, okay?

I'm really trying and in fact the other day I was 179!! And I'd eaten at least half of that pizza bianca so I thought I was turning a corner!

The magic formula? Pizza bianca and caffeine free diet Coke (which I will call "CFDC" from here on out) with lots of Myers's rum. (Shh, don't tell the breastfeeding police.) I was 179 for 2 days in a row, in fact!

But as soon as Geoff left, I started fantasizing about all the Chinese food I'd eat (which I did). And then craving chocolate (hello, I can't be on my period because I'm breastfeeding so wtf is up with that?) and then just wanting to stuff my big fat face. Out of boredom.

And this means I need to be somewhat accountable. Somewhat. Because, you know, I still don't trust anyone else's opinion but my own (just ask my poor mom), but I can at least pretend I care what you people think of my ability to control my diet.

So I'm still going to say I have 20 lbs to lose, even though it could be 15 or so and I'd be happy (again, because my boobs are HUGE right now and always full o' milk so that adds an extra 10 or something to the equation).

And I'm going to be more diligent about losing it. I've been eating more vegetables (I would kill to eat broccoli, but I'm not in the mood for crying gassy infant) like green beans and Phoebe's diapers have reflected (messily) the added greens. I don't care.

I intend to at least look good for the Christmas Card.

Oh yes, Geoff, we're taking a family Christmas picture if it kills you. And -- if possible -- we'll be doing so at Sears or JC Penney so later Phoebe can make fun of us all.

Prepare yourself.

I think I need to go make myself a Myers's and CFDC, you know, for the diet.

1 comment:

Kyle Johnson said...

If it makes you feel any better, I haven't weighed as little as 179 in about 10 years (that would make me about 15, as I believe my first driver's license listed me as 185). Hopefully it makes you feel good to know you weigh as little as a high school kid, even if that kid is a boy.