Thursday, November 13, 2008

An Actual Conversation That Took Place In The Target Parking Lot

I didn't have a lot going on today so I took Phoebe to the Lake for a walk in the sling. Exercise for mom and fresh air and what-not for baby.

Until about, oh, 50 yards? Maybe? Into the walk, she started drooling all over the place so we walked back to the car for her "towel" (really a burp cloth). And when we got back to the car, she got hungry, so I fed her and it got windy so I --naturally-- decided we should go to Target.

Items needed:

1. To walk around somewhere because I put on tennis shoes in public and was not coming from or going to a gym

2. Teething rings

and

3. You know, whatever else might find its way into my basket

When we got there, I put Phoebe in the sling and all was great until we got up to the front door and she started screaming.

She was NOT having the sling at Target today.

So we walked back to the car, I put her in her carseat and into the basket (the basket -- not up top where it's, you know, "dangerous") and she immediately laughed.

Thank you, God.

While we had our mini meltdown by the front doors, I noticed several young men smoking -- I swear to you -- like 15 feet exactly away from the front door. Thank you, California laws because that 15 feet away from the door REALLY makes a difference when there's a breeze.

:trying not to start fuming:

In any event, we walked around, touched stuff, and somehow all these items wound up in my basket (which, to me, just shows how much restraint I exercised):

1. Teething rings (3)
2. 2 Blanket sleepers (aka fleece "feety pajamas")
3. Humidifier filter
4. Trident (bubble gum flavor)
5. 2 cans of diced tomatoes (on sale!)
6. Barilla Plus pasta (mac and cheese tonight for dinner??)
7. Wine Cube. The 2-bottle size
8. 3 packages of Nestle chocolate chips (hey - Christmas baking!)
9. 1 liter bottle of smart water (I was thirsty!)
10. 1 package of Morningstar Farms "buffalo" wings

I promise you I needed every single one.

While walking around Target I saw a man and woman doing some shopping in the same "meandering" fashion I was, and I saw she was wearing a newborn in a Moby wrap. I had a Moby wrap and I threw it away. I mean, it was a homemade hand-me-down from a friend, but I could NOT get it to work and it just annoyed me sitting there all smug, mocking me, because I just KNOW if I were living in a 3rd world country, I'd totally know how to make it work, but 3rd world countries don't have Target (they just have the kids who make the stuff they sell there! :rimshot:).

And I could see the look on her face. She was giving me the "Oh, your baby is in the car seat" face.

And I get that women are competitive about EVERYTHING. I read a book about it once, like why do women care? Epidural or not. Home birth v. hospital birth. Breastfeeding v. formula. Stay-at-home v. working mom. I mean, I know that it's totally irrational and ridiculous because ultimately everyone does what's best for their children.

But I hated the look. Because I had to prove something. And I was like "Okay, you're not gonna WIN THIS STAREDOWN!"

And in my mind, I said "LOOK! DON'T GIVE ME THAT FACE! I LOVE carrying her in a sling! LOVE IT! And a lot of the time, Phoebe loves it, too! But right now she's starting to get teeth and she was NOT IN THE MOOD TODAY, OKAY!? BUT I HAD 100% NATURAL CHILDBIRTH AND MY BABY IS WEARING CLOTH DIAPERS AND I BREASTFEED EXCLUSIVELY SO I WIN AND YOUR PERCEPTION OF ME IS TOTALLY OFF SO STOP GIVING ME THAT FACE!"

And calmly went to check out, left the building and walked to my car.

And one of the young men who had been smoking out front when I entered the building was now in the parking lot and as I was putting my (thankfully) sleeping child into the car, he said:

"Excuse me, ma'am"

And I just gave him a "How dare you talk to me right now" face, shook my head and said:

"I am not interested"

And he did the open palm shrug and was all "Interested in what? I'm just --"

And I said "I'm not interested in whatever you are going to say to me"

(Editor's note: This line did not work on Geoff when he was courting me. The man was tenacious.)

And he said "How do you know what --"

And I said "Listen, I have a sleeping baby and I don't have any time and I don't have any money, so sorry."

And he looked annoyed that I'd be so direct (how dare I not waste his time?) and said "It's just about a career opportunity" (for him, presumably).

And I shook my head, rolled my eyes and put my stuff in the car. The guy had a rat tail and was wearing ankle socks, jean shorts ("jorts") and a baseball hat. Obviously he was going to try to sell me a magazine subscription or whatever, but IN THE PARKING LOT OF TARGET! I mean, SERIOUSLY!

I'm always assaulted by SOME cause at the grocery store, too. Donate to this, I need money, etc etc etc. And I think: You know what would be effective? Offering to help a mom with her groceries. You'd probably get a tip.

Of course, I wouldn't let some dirty smoker near anything I was planning to eat, but still. Someone else might.

Maybe someone wearing an Obama T-shirt, for example.

And now, I'm back home and eating chips and salsa thinking about how unfair it is that supermodels get to be photographed wearing bikinis 2 months after giving birth and I would donate one of my kidneys to be able to fit into my pre-baby Joe's Jeans that are still a size above my "ideal" weight.

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

3 comments:

Annie said...

Wow. OK, I've never heard "jorts" before - that just made my life!! LOL!

Candice Lynn said...

You better be careful with the mac 'n cheese dinner tonight; some guy just got arrested for giving his girlfriend a beatdown for cooking him that dish (fark.com). I, too, am tired of people asking for handouts/selling useless crap. Burglaries are increasing as people face tough economic times and seek to find new ways to maintain their lifestyle. Hmmm, maybe we should have thought about that before we dropped out of college and spent all of our money on a cool new cell phone. Apple Iphones were the most popular-selling phones last quarter-what recession?

robyn :) said...

been there...people telling you how THEY handle their unruly child, or how they they should be dressed if there's a slight breeze, etc. but the weirdest is when random people like to approach me and ask me if i know jesus. i was friggen speedwalking (as much as you can speedwalk at 7 months) down a busy street when a fool approached me with a yellow pamphlet, "excuse me, do you know jesus?" i was in the middle of listening to 'rachel ray' on my headphones, sunglasses on, enjoying the day the lord had made and this large male is randomly approaching me. i thought he should know how horrible his approach was and reminded him that in this day and age, a man should NOT approach a lady who is all by herself. i know jesus, thank you, find a new way to spread your word! i put rachel back in my ears, glasses on my face and finished my 2 mile walk, freaked out, nonetheless! we mothers are fierce by nature, aren't we?! smile in your heart when the world around you is being odd :) have a great day. give phoebe a kiss for lily.