Monday, November 17, 2008

Month 5, A Review

Dear Phoebe,

Today you are 5 months old.

I remember when I knew your dad for 5 months. I had just moved in with your grandmother under the auspices of saving money to move to San Luis Obispo to be closer to him. What happened instead was your grandmother and I went shopping, bought wine, and had coffee together each morning.

And I didn't really save all that much money. In fact, I saved none. But I had a great time.

That was just 3 years ago. Happily, I was able to find a job here and moved here a few months later, but that fall in 2005 was a lot of fun. I drove over to see your dad each weekend, and would drive back home watching the sunrise over the smog, with AM/PM coffee in the cupholder of my 95 Jetta and I would look forward to seeing your dad again the following Friday.

And now, three years later, we have you.

A friend of mine recently found out his girlfriend is pregnant. And while they were planning to get married, they weren't planning on everything happening so soon. They are excited. And scared. And I guess I know how they feel.

Today he said to me "I can't believe we are going to have a baby. I'm sure you know what that's like."

I told him I still can't believe we have one.

I told him when I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't believe it.

Each week, I'd say to your dad "I can't believe we're going to have a roommate in a few months".

When they put you in my arms after you were born -- slippery and new -- I couldn't believe it.

When we took you home, I couldn't believe it.

When we feed you and bathe you and take you to the grocery store, I can't believe it.

Every day of my life, I can't believe you are here.

I told my friend -- old wise mother I am -- I can't believe your dad and I are parents, and I assured him how well his baby will just fit into his life.

You just fit into our lives so well, almost as if you were always meant to be a part of our family. We still do the same things. We just have an extra person around.

This month is Thanksgiving and - ideally - we're supposed to think about what we're most thankful for, and I am thankful for you. You bring so much joy to our lives.

Lately, you've started to laugh at just about everything. Particularly, you enjoy when dad makes "fart sounds". And that's good, because he makes them a LOT. Mostly unintentionally.

I've been trying to take you to the park each day and you love it so much. You laugh with delight at the leaves, and look with curiosity at the trees. You laugh on the swing. You look away when I try to take your picture. You watch me in the kitchen when I'm cooking, and you watch me walk around the room. You are so tolerant and curious about all new experiences. Except eating from a bottle.

Last week, your Auntie Kimi Wimi babysat you so your dad and I could go on a date. Your dad and I haven't been alone in a long time and we had so much fun. I couldn't remember the last time I felt so carefree and really able to pay 100% attention to him. I remembered again why I love him so much. And I remembered again how much I love New Castle from a tap.

Unfortunately, you still firmly believe milk tastes best from the tap and did not take a bottle, even though you were starving, and you cried for (poor, Saint-like) Kim for 45 minutes who -- once you fell asleep on her lap in dad's leather recliner -- didn't move an inch to make sure you stayed asleep.

In spite of that, your dad and I are going to be leaving you alone again. And soon. You're just gonna have to deal with it. And, I promise you, you are not going to starve.

What you don't know now, but you will know soon, is that the relationship between your dad and I is more important than any other relationship in your life. Yes, even more important than our relationship with you. Without our solid relationship, you will feel insecure, scared, unsure in a world without a foundation. And we do not want that for you.

So that means you're going to be with babysitters sometimes. And your dad is going to be my priority sometimes when you want his attention. And I'm going to be his priority sometimes when you want my attention.

While you are still too young to understand this, I want you to know -- as always -- we have your best interests in mind.

I don't know what I'd do without the stability your dad has brought to my life. And he would probably starve to death (or be the first person to ever die from hydrogenated fat overdose) if I weren't around to make sure he had good meals.

While at Target the other day, your dad picked up a Spiderman hoodie and I said "Maybe someday we'll have a son and you can buy him stuff like this."

And he said to me, with a look of deep love, "I don't know, I just have the feeling that we're only going to have girls."

I had the same feeling before, and told him as much.

Phoebe, I don't know if you're going to have sisters or brothers or dogs or cats.

But I do know one thing for sure. Your dad and I are going to be together for the rest of our lives.

And that is something you are going to appreciate and love more and more as you get older and begin to understand the intricacies of personal relationships.

When your dad comes home from work, you are so happy to see him. You smile, and laugh and pull the blanket up to your mouth and we see your little eyes light up. You laugh hardest when he is playing with you, and he loves you so much. Seeing how much he loves you makes me love him even more. It makes me feel more connected to him in ways I didn't know were possible.

I tell your dad all the time that maybe one day you'll marry someone just like him. He gets embarrassed and says "Oh I don't know".

I hope you're so lucky.



Anonymous said...

ack. now i have tears streaming down my face. damn it.

ditto all that you wrote.

Stake Camp Directors said...

One of my favorite quotes I heard at church form a talk someone was giving. It was "the best thing a father can do for his child is love their mother". That relationship is so important and even after some 20 odd years of marriage I still forget. A trip to Hawaii brought it all back but a date once a week is oh so much cheaper. Keep writing!
When I think "your" generation has no sense and is filled with selfish little girls I just check in on your blog and am reminded that there are still quite a few of you girls from the eighties who make this world a better place.

Stake Camp Directors said...

Oh crap - that is from a talk not form a talk- Candice will catch me but if I delete it then you will all wonder what I did so badly that I had to delete. I think from a talk was really what I wanted to say. Don't you?