Thursday, January 8, 2009

Pampers is a Liar

I had to go into SLO today to do some miscellaneous errands, ending with a trip to Costco (next to Target, the best place in America).

Phoebe was crying, so I got her out of her carseat and decided to feed her really quickly in the front seat while we were in the parking lot of Costco. I left the radio on so we could have some nice music.

It was a beautiful day in SLO.

While feeding her, I looked down at her leg and noticed poop. On her thigh. All along the inside of her jumper. And just about to get all over my steering wheel.

And she was eating, all happy as can be.

So I tried to stay calm and I thought about a game plan.

"Okay, I don't have any alternate outfits, but a diaper and her sweater and socks will be just fine until we get home"

And then I thought about the fact that she was wearing a disposable diaper -- the EXPENSIVE ONES because I thought they were the best to hold in poops for long journeys such as the one we had today.

And then she reached down with her hand and touched the poop on her thigh and I just about lost it.

I had to use my other hand (the one NOT holding up my boob) to reach over and grab some wipes that I'd put into a Ziploc because -- hey -- I don't need to bring an entire container of wipes! I can totally get by with like 7 - 10 wipes at a time!

And Phoebe's head was bouncing on the arm rest because she kept trying to find my boob in her mouth and even though it's still bigger than her head she couldn't figure it out and was getting angry, which meant that after I wiped her hand, she reached down and touched the poop AGAIN.

So I had to stop feeding her completely (this was when she started crying), and take her clothes off and change her and figure out what we were going to do with the rest of our lives now that I realized (yet again) that I had absolutely nothing under control.

I had to use a sweatshirt for a changing pad (why would I need one of those bulking up my diaper bag?), bumping Phoebe's head on the seatbelt thing while I laid her down to change her, praying I would be able to somehow minimize the objects in my car that would be covered in babypoo.

Once I got her down to her socks and her socks got poo on them, I just started laughing.

My life is ridiculous.

I tried to use each wipe thoroughly and efficiently because it was dwindling quickly, but the poop was everywhere -- even on the Ziploc.

Did I have my antibacterial hand lotion? OF COURSE NOT! I took it out of my bag to lighten my load and because I know everything about babies.

She had it on her back, people.

It was ridiculous.

I got her all wiped down as best as I could, wrapped everything up in my sweatshirt and threw it on the floor of the passenger side, and took my diaper-only wearing baby to Old Navy to buy her some clothes.

Her new outfit is really cute, and we had a nice time when we made it into Costco and everyone was all "AWWW WHAT A CUTE BABY!" and I was all "Please do not touch her because that cute baby will give you a stink palm" but it came out sounding like "Oh yeah, she's just precious, I know".

I decided to allow myself to buy a bottle of $8 wine (for frame of reference, that's DOUBLE what I usually spend on our Barefoot wines) and I thought of something: Why aren't there Mommy Bars? I mean, somewhere I could go, bring my baby inside still in her carseat smelling of shit and get a Salty Dog with no shame.

I'm going to make millions on this idea -- it's going to be bigger than Starbucks. Changing tables and martinis. And lots of antibacterial hand lotion.

We just got home a little while ago and I washed my hands 500 times and fed her and while I was feeding her, I sniffed and she still smelled like poo and I thought "Huh, must not have done as well on that clean-up as I thought I did", and when I went to change her diaper I discovered THAT ONE LEAKED, TOO!

ALL onto her nice new outfit.

I am not making this up.

I started the load of laundry (with wipes, too -- I couldn't handle sorting those out from the pile that was in my car) and I am praying she doesn't also soil THIS outfit. At least until I've had a glass of wine, that is.

This right here is what you don't think about when you're having too many mai tais in Maui. This ... this right here.

Just think about all the bodily fluids that are going to wind up on your hands .. which, now that I think about it, probably would have prevented this if we'd have thought about THAT at the time, ahem.

And I am sure my car is going to smell like baby poop for at least a week after it festered in there the entire time I was in Costco.

Sometimes all I can do is just laugh at the absurdity of motherhood.


Annie said...

Yeah, see, I think it's moments like these that scare me more than childbirth itself. I'm glad you were able to laugh about it :)

And the Mommy Bar idea? Um, don't forget the little people when you're making your millions!

Meghan said...

Just don't tell Mike about the fact that my car smells like poop now ... I'm not sure he'd recover from imagining it. :D

I would also like to add that when I went to throw everything into the dryer last night, I discovered I also washed the folded up dirty diaper along with all the clothes and wipes.

That $8 wine was REALLY good.

Annie said...

lol! Oh no!

Stephanie Precourt said...

I'm so sorry but this was so funny!