Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Ants

Yesterday Jocelyn sent me a text message telling me she couldn't get anything done because her kids are like ants, just getting into everything.

It was such a perfect description of a one year old, all I could do was laugh.

Looking at the sink full of dirty dishes.

Looking at the blog mocking me for not posting in about 500 years.

Looking at the toys (and DVDs) all over the living room.

I really wonder how many moms wish they could just stop saying they have everything under control. There's this need to seem ... like it's okay. Or maybe it's that you wish everything was okay so badly that you just say "Oh yeah, we're doing fine"

Baby not sleeping through the night, dog pee stains on the carpet (so dirty it leaves the baby's feet and knees brown after crawling on it all day), tupperware and Cheerios all over the kitchen floor and a faint smell of poop throughout the entire house.

We're doing okay here. We're great! It's fantastic staying home! My house is always spotless and I have tons of time to myself to read and take naps and watch soap operas!

I'm just so tired lately. Nothing ever gets done. Everything is always chaotic. Who has time for anything?

Last night we visited friends who just had a baby on Monday. The house was filled with people offering congratulations and bringing dinner over and oooh-ing and ahh-ing over the little baby. He is so cute.

I noticed a lot of cans and recycling on the kitchen counter and put them into a bag. Cleaned the kitchen sink of its dirty dishes and glasses. I know how horrible it is to look at that stuff knowing it's not getting done.

And I thought the beginning is so easy ... you have your husband home to help, everyone comes to visit, you have an excuse to not get anything done or get dressed. And then time marches on and you are supposed to just suddenly start looking presentable and not tired at the grocery store. And the house is still a mess. And -- my god -- It's 4 o'clock and I haven't brushed my teeth yet!? Really!?

I thought about it as an experience all mothers share. You get all this help and encouragement and positive feedback and then ... you're left on your own.

And -- suddenly -- you're criticized if you're not teaching the kid sign language (hello - she can hear, I'd like to teach her to talk first) and when you're running late for lunch with friends (who don't have kids) you're tsk-ed.

It's impossible to keep a house clean when you have ants everywhere -- they are in everything. And you pick them up and squeeze them and whisper "Don't grow up, okay? Don't do it! Just stay small forever!"

But they don't. And so you feel guilty for thinking you should be doing more because you should just be enjoying the time as it stands. Not pushing anything. Not worrying about brushing your teeth or being on time.

And it hits you: I'm the only one who can do this. I don't want to take my baby to daycare for someone else to raise her. I don't think anyone else would know how to take care of her like I do. Time goes too fast. Why would I want a break from this?

I really do love this life, but some days I wish I could just take my finger out of the dam.

3 comments:

Jocelyn said...

Amen sister

Annie said...

Amen, indeed! You are not alone!

Jaffey said...

The screen is tear stained. But only on that day. Those days make the flower pictures so great. Those days give you such perspective, not to mention they make you hesitate before pushing him off at the last second.

Growth hurts...mommy.

You know what else? Only you make a tough day sound cute. You cutsie shit. I gotta get back over here and keep up more!