Monday, January 25, 2010

Leg Cramps OHHOLYMOTHEROFGODWHY!?!?

No need to debate any longer: I have decided the WORST part about being pregnant: Leg cramps.

I am very familiar with leg cramps because they are the ugly friend that always comes to the low carb diet party. The weight loss with low carbing is worth it and they're not TOO frequent.

I used to take sublingual potassium pills to prevent them. As I recall, those worked. Or I'd just drink enough vodka over ice (hey - low carb!) to sleep through them.

The other night, I felt that familiar "twinge" in my left calf that made me think a leg cramp was imminent. Mercifully it was just that -- a twinge. A little tickle, if you will, a reminder that the leg cramps ARE COMING.

I couldn't go back to sleep for 2 hours, stretching and rubbing my calves the entire time, because -- yes -- they are THAT PAINFUL. And THE FEAR I had that I would get one was so powerful I almost woke up Geoff to tell him about it because there was no way I could ever sleep again and if I wasn't going to sleep, neither was he.

Last night before bed, I read a bit in one of my MILLIONS of pregnancy books about leg cramps and how "nobody knows what causes them" and how they get worse as pregnancy progresses.

And I thought about how horrible they are (as I stretched my calves out by the side of the bed) and I realized something:

I would rather experience 36 hours of LABOR than 36 hours of leg cramps.

I mean, if having a baby meant having 36 hours of leg cramps, I'd just adopt. I am dead serious.

So meanwhile, I'm afraid to go to sleep each night because there's NOTHING that can be done to prevent them (and the idea of eating a banana every day makes me want to vomit more than morning sickness).

I may go to the health food store today and pick up more sublingual potassium pills. I mean, even if it's only a psychological aid, if it gets me to sleep I'll be grateful.

For those of you who are wondering what leg cramps feel like, all you need to do is have a friend grip your calf muscle using metal tongs that have been held over an open flame for 15 minutes, and then have them twist and pinch as hard as they possibly can, all while laughing maniacally while you writhe in pain.

And that might ALMOST be as painful as a leg cramp.

I remember when I was pregnant with Phoebe they'd wake me up in the middle of the night (and, really, the worst part was that it's the START of the leg cramp that wakes you up -- you wake up to the knowledge that a leg cramp is IMMINENT -- so you get the ANTICIPATION of it in addition to the pain) and literally falling off the bed in pain.

It's that bad.

Geoff said he "thinks" he's had one before. I told him it's not the kind of thing you can be confused about experiencing. Kinda like being kicked in the balls (or what I imagine that feels like for a guy)

So I'm just gonna be sitting here (according to The Internet, standing for long periods can cause them) considering double leg amputation just so I never have to experience one again.

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