Monday, October 11, 2010

Burn

In the summer of 2000, I spent every single day with a friend going through a horrid breakup. 

We'd eat almost every day at the Vietnamese restaurant in Bakersfield and my friend told me how they wanted to eat everything SUPER spicy.  I could not believe the amount of chile paste my friend was putting in their plate.  I like spicy, but that was just out of this world unbelievable.  I still think about it all the time.

I guess it was a coping mechanism.

With Phoebe's 2nd surgery tomorrow, I can finally say I relate.  I'm trying to lose weight still and being HYPER disciplined about it (to the point of neurosis) so I'm not eating anything non-Paleo at all (not even ice cream or cheesecake or donuts or nachos -- all the things I imagine would comfort me right now) but instead I can't eat spicy enough foods.

I am pounding pork rinds COVERED in hot sauce, trying to fit more and more on each bite as it goes into my mouth.  I wipe up the drops from the kitchen counter.

It only helps when I feel the burn on my tongue.  When it goes away, the anxiety comes back.

I should be cleaning my kitchen, my bathroom, folding laundry.  My mom is spending the night tonight to stay here with Jack since we have to be at the hospital at 7 a.m. tomorrow.

And then at 8:30 I get to hand the best thing I've ever done with my life over to 2 people in scrubs, one of whom with the intention of gassing her and then putting a needle in her arm with medicine to make her sleep, and the other with cutting a small muscle in her eye and moving it a fraction of an inch.

I know how it will go.  We have done this VERY SAME SURGERY before (other eye though).  She was back in my arms in 45 minutes, crying bloody tears because she was thirsty.  I nursed her.  And she slept.

And she was fine.

I feel hyper manic.  Like I've had too much coffee.

I suppose that's the all capsaisin pulsing like a drug in my veins.

I've got 2 hours until Geoff gets home and about 5 hours of housework to do.

I need to at least wash dishes.

I hope I can get the water hot enough.

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